Interesting Psychology Team
Developing Your Likeability
We all desire to be liked by others. It’s a human and basic need in all of us. What if there was a system or habit that we could establish in our lives to create likeability in relationships and encounters with others? Would that be worth knowing, learning, and implementing? I believe that system would be extremely valuable, not only to our success in our career, but more significantly, for our health, peace of mind, and well-being.
I have a dog named Lily. She’s a very likeable dog. She is very cute West Highland White Terrier, which certainly doesn’t hurt her likeability. She has one great attribute: She is genuinely excited and interested in everyone she meets. She focuses so much on the experience of meeting someone new that she will piddle on the floor; she can’t contain herself. Now I am not suggesting that the secret to likeability is to do as she does, making a small oops on the floor. What I’m suggesting is that you have such a genuine interest in others that you lose your self-focus.
People are not interested in me or you; they are interested in themselves. Ponder this: We can create more friends in two months through becoming genuinely interested in people than we can in two years by attempting to get other people interested in us. When we attempt to impress people or focus attention on ourselves or maneuver people to be interested in ourselves, we will fail to make real connections and will consequently lack true friendships.
Making others feel good about themselves
Whether you are conversing with a friend via face-to-face interaction, text, e-mail, or social media, interact with a smile. You might be wondering, “Well, what if they can’t see me to know that I’m smiling?” But you can see and feel yourself. By placing a friendly smile on your face, your attitude turns more positive. Your thoughts and voice become more positive and optimistic as well. Optimists spread positivity and good cheer wherever they go and to whomever they interact with. Your optimism will make them feel better about themselves. It’s a simple way to guarantee that you develop new friendships and deepen existing ones.
Another key habit is to speak in an upbeat tone. If I can connect on an upbeat level with people as if they were my best friend, it will only increase their feelings of self-worth and self-esteem. When you can increase others’ self-esteem, you have made their day better, and they will connect that feeling of well-being to you.
Being empathetic to others
Everyone has tough times and tough days. One of the most powerful connectors is grace. What I mean is the grace to feel for others as they deal with their struggles and challenges. When we live in close relationship quarters with our best friends, grace is invaluable. After all, our closest friends have a better vantage point to observe our true nature, and they are friends with us anyway.
We have to better recognize the tough times and game faces of our friends to enable our responses to display well-timed empathy. We all go through different seasons in life. In spring-like times, everything is blooming, growing, and expanding. In summer, the world is warm, revealing, and even relaxing. In fall, there is so much to be done that we risk becoming overwhelmed because we know that winter is coming. And we go through winters that are so cold, barren, and seemingly endless.
Our friends experience all these seasons, just as we do. These seasons are not aligned with the calendar but on the rhythm of our life. Our friends’ winter can be a whole lot longer than a few months. They could experience a winter season for years due to kids on drugs, estrangement from parents, tough financial times, divorce, and so on. Our empathy speaks volumes to them when they need it most.
Engaging in complimentary behavior
We all prefer to be around people who are friendly and make the effort to express kind and complimentary things. The base nature of most humans is that we see faults clearly and quickly in others (and often more readily than we see them in ourselves). Ask yourself, what qualities does Steve have that make him a great friend? What about Susie in her work makes her effective at getting things done? What about Kirk and Marcia as a couple? Do you admire how they interact and treat each other? When you ask yourself these types of questions about your friends and acquaintances, the answers you come up with will enable you to say far more meaningful complimentary things about them than “I like the broach you’re wearing today.”
In the process of passing along, we receive the benefits of reciprocity again and again. As a speaker and author for 20 years, I invest my time, energy, heart, soul, and mind in impacting other people’s lives for their good. It has been, and continues to be, one of the true joys of my life to occupy, as I call it, “the front row seat to watch someone else’s success show.” Nothing is better than to hear people say that they used my thoughts and ideas to create wealth, security, prosperity, and meaning in their life. I receive far more than I give out in this experience.
In friendship, we need to recognize that sharing and giving are the objective. Now you may have some friends who are lucky enough to never need anything, and some friends may need more from you. That’s life. I am always trying to catch up in the reciprocity game with my friend, Chuck. It’s been that way for more than 15 years, and I can say that he is truly one of my closest, most treasured friends. I have to admit that I am frequently trying to think of ways to rebalance the scoreboard because he is so generous to me as a friend. When you have friends who challenge you to keep up with their generosity, you are blessed beyond measure, as I am with Chuck.
Asking for a turn
When you have generous friends, which makes life rich, vibrant, and meaningful, sometimes you need to be creative in taking turns in generosity. When planning a special evening or activity with a valued friend, announce in the invitation that this is on you. This announcement is usually met with a “You didn’t have to do that” or a “No, let’s split it.” My advice is to hold your ground and insist that it’s your invite; it was your idea so it’s your treat. If you are on a budget, that’s fine. You don’t have to select an activity that breaks the bank. Just going out for a walk along the river and quick cup of coffee afterward as your treat can guarantee a wonderful experience with a good friend.
As we learned as children, it is better to give than to receive. My counsel is to deliberately plan to be the giver in advance so that there is more enjoyment, connection, and reciprocity in the relationship. (This advice also helps to prevent those awkward situations when the bill comes and everyone is looking at each other with alligator arms.)
