Interesting Psychology Team
Today. I want to talk about how narcissistic parents create battle of the sexes.
Narcissistic parents, as you are most probably already aware, cannot love their children. They cannot love their partners. They cannot love anyone mostly because they do not love themselves. They do not have a healthy sense of self love.
Children will see this lack of love that they do not receive, as an indication that they are shameful unlovable, that they are incapable of being loved.
Oftentimes, they will scapegoat their insecurities, their flaw cause their vulnerabilities, their differences as the cause, of not getting this, love.
But in reality, the true cause is the true perpetrator. I should say their true reason why they’re not getting this love is because yeah, not give it, given it by the parent children tend to do this. They self-blame, they self abuse, they self reject and ultimately they blame themselves for not getting this love and turn it inward on themselves.
There’s usually an extreme shame specifically around sexuality, which begins to make a person feel in any quiet, inadequate. T as their specific gender. And I speak about this in the trauma and its effect on sexual identity, in a separate podcast that discussed how the sexual self is not able to develop a person is not able to develop a sexual identity and therefore a will because of this insufficient blueprint from their parents who have not reflected back this loving and caring, sense of sexuality.
and therefore this sexual sense of self gets distorted.
Partners and adult that are going to most usually trigger this check sexual shame. And this under developed sense of sexuality, creates a sort of distortion that all men, if you’re a woman or all women, if you’re a man are bad evil pigs, you know, they need to be destroyed and ultimately the cause of their distortions and dysfunction in reality, oftentimes sexuality and love get mixed up in there.
Kind of creates a sort of if I’m sexually attractive or if I’m loved, if I’m appreciated sexually than I am loved, this is a distortion. Reality is, is that sex should be an expression of love. And this again comes back to the fact that sex and love has not been connected mostly because parents have not reflected this back to the child in a healthy way.
This creates a very difficult cognitive dissonance, very difficult, double bind, where the, the child, and then later on the adult will become our safety adult will become attracted to the opposite. Sex will also be important by the shame that their partner or a potential prospect, prospects for partners will make them feel because the issue is, is difficult to identify.
Then relationships get oftentimes. Destroyed. And there’s great chaos because these uncomfortable feelings are getting, brought up to the surface and because no one has ever gotten as close to the wounded individuals specifically, sexually speaking. The, as the parent did, these wounds will oftentimes lay dormant until I relationship shows up that is intimate.
And ultimately these wounds of childhood will get ripped open, because communication of the cause it’s never really happens as this would take, obviously self-reflection and really becoming aware of how trauma affects one’s sexual identity. there’ll be frustration, hate anger, which is often projected onto the sexuality of the partner or the opposite sex in general.
For narcissistic abusers sex becomes a conquest. There is no vulnerability. There’s no true love, obviously. And there’s just a winner and a loser with a winner taking control. So control is the prize. Sex becomes a proxy for dominance, which is a way of protecting the individual from intersexual shame, body, shame, performance, shame, you name it.
So by taking control of the sexual arena, they will never have to face the fact that they feel less than, or they’ll feel shameful about their sexuality. The services that defense sex actually serves as a way of protecting themselves from true connection.
It all comes back to shame and the underdeveloped sense of self.
This makes a person feel small, humiliated, worthless, shamed, and never good enough. and specifically with the sexual enough, for the opposite sex, they’ll feel like. They’re being judged constantly. They’re being humiliated just by others, even checking them out or giving them attention will feel very shameful.
It’ll lead to this sense of hate or rage towards the opposite sex. That’s creating an extreme, battle of the, of the sexist where, where the individual will be sure will be certain that men are evil or women are evil when in fact, it’s not men or women that are evil, but rather there is an injury of shame being triggered within.
Parents who don’t reflect or mirror back to the child of sexual self will cause this damage. It will wreak havoc on the child’s sense of confidence, but ultimately their ability to relate to others in a healthy and communicative way, which oftentimes leads to abuse, whether it’s nursing abuse, sexual abuse, physical abuse, extreme rage towards anyone who triggers these sexual wounds.
So I want to offer some tips on how to resolve this issue. Because it’s certainly not an easy one to do. ultimately because of how difficult it is to get in touch with one’s sense of shame and their individual sexual identity around it, it’s imperative. That one must heal. First of all, the childhood wounds, it comes back to the childhood.
Wounds comes back to shame. This must be healed it’s these must be identified. The developmental trauma was needed to be identified, worked through and healed. One needs to. heal perceptions of sex, one sexual identity, of women. If you’re a man and men, if you’re a women and understand that we’re all human beings, we have that in common.
We have that in common. We are all equal in that way. So therefore seeing men as the problem, if you’re a women or women, that the problem, if you’re a man is certainly not going to solve the issue, it’s only going to avoid once intersexual shame. So it comes back to facing oneself, self reflection.
Self-correction identifying one’s own inner insecurities vulnerabilities, shame, feeling feelings of inadequacy that are surrounding sexuality in general is a difficult thing to do because it takes one, an extreme journey into the self to heal aspects of ourselves, of ourselves that are damaged. Next.
Like I mentioned, heal the self, resolve the shame around the subject. Learn about what sex is meant to be for what is it, what it represents? What’s the point of it and how it can be next to intimacy. Sex is an intimate, it’s an essence of love if it’s not connected to love and is oftentimes disconnected from its true and what it is meant to be, it is not meant to be winning.
It’s not meant to be controlling. It’s meant to be. Unconditionally expression expressing love, which is, again, disconnected from that aspect. If there is no love and childhood, learn to live loved ones, differences, perceived flaws, sexual differences without, you know, without shaming oneself. You know, whether it’s, whether it’s body shame, performance, shame, feeling like you aren’t good enough, you’re not good looking enough.
Or perhaps you are simply inadequate as a lover, realizing that this has little to do with it. It has much more to do with the fact that. Sex is meant to be connected, to love, which is the heart, which is connected to intimacy expressing your intimate feelings towards a partner so that you could ultimately express this, this, this love and this connection and, and feel connected and feel healthy and feel loved by your partner.
I know this is a difficult topic, so I appreciate you listening to this . And if it resonated with you, please do feel free to share it with those struggling. they’re almost always as a sexual aspect of, of. Of abuse when it comes to narcissism, because ultimately there is always that shame that’s deep down underneath, it needs to be resolved.
So if you’re struggling with your shame, know that it is not embarrassing, it is not something to be embarrassed about. We all have shame. We all have things we’re not proud of ourselves about. Ultimately we are, we need to heal that those perceptions we need to get in touch with what about sex we’ve learnt and how we’ve embraced it.
And what it is that we feel badly about ourselves, that we project onto partners, making them feel like they need to come and either fix it, heal it, or take responsibility. When in fact we need to take responsibility for our own perceptions, our own wounds, our own shame, our own sexual hangups and things that get in the way of expressing that, that connection in the most loving, compassionate way.
Expressing love is important. It’s how we maintain our health. It’s how we maintain our dignity as humans and our confidence and our ability to communicate in relationships. So thank you so much for listening until next time. All the best.
