Interesting Psychology Team
Your parents could be narcissists and you’d never know it – they are that good at hiding their true selves from you and the world around them.
They can be charming, charismatic, and even philanthropic on the outside, but scratch that surface and you’ll find someone who thinks they are superior to everyone else and has little to no concern for anyone else’s feelings, unless they can use those emotions to benefit themselves in some way.
If you have these beliefs, then chances are your parents were raised by narcissistic parents as well!
Here are 10 signs that your parents were narcissists.
1. Their happiness comes before your own
It’s easy to focus on your own happiness, especially when you’re struggling in an unhappy environment. But those who grew up with narcissistic parents had their sense of self-worth stripped away and were often manipulated into feeling like they didn’t matter or have needs.
To help cope, it’s important to remember that your needs do matter and you deserve self-care every day. This could mean saying no more often to meet others’ expectations and living according to your standards—even if it doesn’t make others happy.
2. You can never be good enough
If you were raised by narcissistic parents, there’s no doubt that you were told from an early age that you weren’t good enough, special enough, or deserving enough. Even if your parents didn’t use these exact words to communicate their frustration with you, they likely implied it at some point.
One of the ways they did so was through statements like How could you do something so stupid? or Why can’t you be more like your sister/brother?
A parent who loves his or her child unconditionally will say things like, I love and accept every part of you! You can always be yourself around me. I see your heart and I know it is pure and kind!
3. They don’t understand the concept of accountability
Anytime someone else is at fault for something in your life, you’re probably being raised by narcissistic parents. The same goes for when things don’t go according to plan or someone makes you angry – they never take responsibility.
Any time they could have done something differently, they blame circumstances outside of their control. It’s always, I didn’t have enough money, I had too much work on my plate, I was afraid to fail… and it wasn’t fair! They simply don’t understand accountability.
4. Your feelings don’t matter
If you were raised by narcissistic parents, it’s probably difficult for you to imagine ever being truly loved—especially if they were hostile or dismissive towards your feelings.
Unfortunately, many narcissists don’t see their children as individuals with feelings and needs of their own; rather, they see them as extensions of themselves. At worst, people raised by narcissists feel like burdens to be ignored or tolerated when it’s convenient for others.
One of my clients told me her mother literally asked her what she thought about something five minutes after she found out her father was in surgery and had only hours to live.
5. People who are kind aren’t genuine
The kindness of narcissists is always on their own terms and usually based on how they can benefit from it. It’s not uncommon for narcissists to turn on their allies as soon as they feel like they’re no longer useful, or if it helps them gain more attention or admiration.
They have an uncanny ability to sense when someone likes them and will use those people until they find someone new who will provide what they need at that moment. If you were raised by narcissistic parents, you may have been manipulated into believing that being kind means being fake.
As an adult, you may find yourself unable to trust anyone because your gut tells you everyone has ulterior motives. In reality, most people want nothing more than genuine human connection—and so do you! Don’t let your past dictate your future; open up your heart and let yourself be loved again.
6. Life is a competition
No matter what you achieve, your narcissistic parent will find something to criticize about it. Your achievements can never possibly live up to their impossible expectations of you. If you bring home an A+ on your report card, they’ll tear it up in front of you and shame you for not having gotten all A’s.
No matter how much or how hard you work, there will always be someone more successful than you—so why even bother? This can seriously impact your self-esteem: if everything is such a competition with these parents, then nothing is ever good enough—you’re always coming in second best to someone else.
The most important thing is being better than other people—not being happy with yourself. It’s no wonder so many children of narcissists grow up struggling with depression and anxiety!
7. The world revolves around them
Narcissist thinks they’re always right. If they say it, then it’s gospel. If you disagree with them or make an alternate suggestion, prepare for hell on earth—the wrath of a narcissist is something to behold.
They never apologize and rarely take the blame for any situation. In other words, you can’t reason with a narcissist; if they say something happened, it happened no matter what evidence says otherwise! Their word is law, and they expect everyone around them to respect that—or else!
If you grew up with narcissistic parents who claimed ownership over everything in your life (from your love and affection to your sense of happiness), then your first step in overcoming their influence is learning how to fight back when someone tries to tell you what to do.
8. If you do something wrong, you deserve to be punished
Do you feel your parents made you guilty of every wrongdoing? Do you still carry around some guilt? If so, it could be an indication of being raised by narcissistic parents. So many children lose their childhood innocence because they were made to feel responsible for how someone else was feeling or behaving.
Parents should always keep in mind they are their children’s caretakers, not their judge and jury. Kids aren’t born evil—therefore, there is no need to punish them for doing wrong; just teach them how to behave better next time.
9. It’s your fault if they get hurt or sad
The victims of narcissistic parents tend to take on blame for their parent’s feelings and actions, as well as for family problems. As a result, these adults tend to be very responsible and internalize blame for things beyond their control.
When bad things happen, they feel shame rather than sadness or distress. They may also have difficulty asking for help when they need it. This tendency can make them seem stuck in childhood and unable to cope with adult life – which leads to …
10. They must win at everything
Most parents want their kids to succeed, but some need it more than others. If your parents consistently made you feel like you were competing with them for everything—grades, friends, attention—they may have what psychologists call competitiveness issues.
It doesn’t necessarily mean they’re narcissistic; rather, narcissism is only one of several personality traits linked to competitiveness and parental overinvolvement. To keep things in perspective as an adult, it helps to know your upbringing might be contributing to your constant feeling of being behind.
(After all, if you were obsessed with getting ahead and winning at everything while you were growing up, it probably took its toll.) Chances are these feelings will fade away in time as your mind develops.
