Interesting Psychology Team
Emotions can be triggered by all sorts of things from people, places, and times of day or even certain objects. How triggers work is that they activate thoughts or memories in our brain and cause us to have physical and emotional responses.
Having emotions is a normal human reaction to our life circumstances, the problem comes when we are unable to evaluate our emotions or consider their impact on our lives. Most people passively accept their emotions; they donβt even get to the points we have covered where they choose to identify what the emotion is or what has triggered it.
How Our Thoughts Shape Our Emotions
During the 1960s, social psychologist Walter Mischel headed several psychological studies on delayed rewards and gratification. He closely studied hundreds of children between the ages of 4 to 5 years to reveal a trait that is known to be one of the most important factors that determine success in a person’s life, gratification.
This experiment is famously referred to as the marshmallow test. The experiment involved introducing every child into a private chamber and placing a single marshmallow in front of them. At this stage, the researcher struck a deal with the child.
The researcher informed them that he would be gone from the chamber for a while. The child was then informed that if he or she didnβt eat the marshmallow while the researcher was away, he would come back and reward them with an additional marshmallow apart from the one on the table. However, if they did eat the marshmallow placed on the table in front of them, they wouldnβt be rewarded with another.
It was clear. One marshmallow immediately or two marshmallows later.
The researcher walked out of the chamber and re-entered after 15 minutes.
Predictably, some children leaped on the marshmallow in front of them and ate it as soon as the researcher walked out of the room. However, others tried hard to restrain themselves by diverting their attention. They bounced, jumped around, and scooted on the chairs to distract themselves in a bid to stop them from eating the marshmallow. However, many of these children failed to resist the temptation and eventually gave in.
Only a handful of children managed to hold until the very end without eating the marshmallow.
The study was published in 1972 and became globally popular as βThe Marshmallow Experiment.β However, it doesnβt end here. The real twist in the tale is what followed several years later.
Researchers undertook a follow-up study to track the life and progress of each child who was a part of the initial experiment. They studied several areas of the personβs life and were surprised by what they discovered. The children who delayed gratification for higher rewards or waited until the end to earn two marshmallows instead of one had higher school grades, lower instances of substance abuse, lower chances of obesity, and better stress coping abilities.
The research was known as a ground-breaking study on gratification because researchers followed up on the children 40 years after the initial experiment was conducted, and it was sufficiently evident that the group of children who delayed gratification patiently for higher rewards succeeded in all areas they were measured on.
This experiment proved beyond doubt that delaying gratification is one of the most crucial skills for success in life.
Success and delaying gratification
Success usually boils down to picking between the discomfort of discipline over the pleasure and comfort of distraction. This is exactly what delaying gratification is. Would you rather go out for the new movie in town where all your friends are heading, or would you rather sit up and study for an examination to earn good grades? Would you rather party hard with your co-workers before the team gets started with an important upcoming presentation? Or would you sit late and work on fine tuning the presentation?
Our ability to delay gratification is also a huge factor when it comes to decision making and is considered an important aspect of emotional intelligence. Each day, we make several choices and decisions. While some are trivial and have little influence on our future (what color shoes should I buy? Or which way should I take to work?), others have a huge bearing on our success and future.
As human beings, we are wired to make decisions or choices that offer an instant return on investment. We want quick results, actions, and rewards. The mind is naturally tuned for a short-term profit. Why do you think e-commerce giants are making a killing by charging an additional fee for same day and next day delivery? Today is better than tomorrow!
Think about how different our life would be if we thought about the impact of our decisions about three to five years from now? If we can bring about this mental shift where we can delay gratification by keeping our eyes firmly fixated on the bigger picture several years from now, our lives can be very different.
Another factor that is important in gratification delay is the environment. For example, if children who were able to resist temptation were not given a second marshmallow or reward for delaying gratification, they are less likely to view delaying gratification as a positive habit.
If parents do not keep their commitment to reward a child for delaying gratification, the child wonβt value the trait. Delaying gratification can be picked up only in an environment of commitment and trust, where a second marshmallow is given when deserved .
Examples of gratification delay
Let us say you want to buy your dream car that you see in the showroom on your way to work every day. You imagine how wonderful it would be to own and drive that car. The car costs $25,000, and you barely have $5000 dollars in your current savings. How do you buy the car then? Simple, you start saving. This is how you will combine strong willpower with delayed gratification.
There are countless opportunities for you to blow money every day such as hitting the bar with friends for a drink on weekends, co-workers visiting the nearest coffee shop to grab a latte, or buying expensive gadgets. Every time you remove your wallet to pay, you have two clear choices: either blow your money on monetary pleasure or wait for the long-term reward. If you can resist these temptations and curtail your expenses, youβll be closer to purchasing your dream car. Making this decision will help you buy a highly desirable thing in future.
Will you spend now for immediate gratifications and pleasures, or will you save to buy something more valuable in the future?
Here is another interesting example to elucidate the concept of delayed gratification. Let us say you want to be the best film director the world has ever seen. You want to master the craft and pick up all skills related to movie making and the entertainment business. You visualize yourself as making spectacular movies that inspire and entertain people for decades.
How do you plan to work towards a large goal, or the big picture (well, literally)? Youβll start by doing mundane, boring; uninspiring jobs on the sets such as being someoneβs assistant, fetching them a cup of coffee, cleaning the sets, and other similar boring chores. It isnβt exciting or fun, but you go through it each day because you have your eyes firmly fixated on the larger goal, or bigger picture.
You know you want to become a huge filmmaker one day and are prepared to delay gratification for fulfilling that goal. The discomfort of your current life is smaller in comparison to the pleasure of the higher goal. This is delayed gratification. Despite the discomfort, you regulate your actions and behavior for meeting a bigger goal in the future. It may be tough and boring currently, but you know that doing these arduous tasks will give you that shot to make it big someday.
Delayed gratification can be applicable in all aspects of life from health to relationships. Almost every decision we make involves a decision between opting for short-term pleasures now and enjoying bigger rewards later. A burger can give you immediate pleasure today, whereas an apple may not give you instant pleasure but will benefit your body in the long run.
Stop drop technique
Each time you identify an overpowering or stressful emotion that is compelling you to seek immediate pleasure, describe your feelings by writing them down. Make sure you state them clearly to acknowledge their existence.
Have you seen the old VCR models? They had a big pause button prominently placed in the middle. You are now going to push the pause button on your thoughts.
Focus all attention on the heart as it is the center of all your feelings.
Think of something remarkably beautiful that you experienced. It can be a spectacular sunset you witnessed on one of your trips, a beautiful flower you saw in a garden today, or a cute pet kitten you spotted in the neighborhood. Basically, anything that evokes feelings of joy, happiness, and positivity in you. The idea is to bring about a shift in your feelings.
Experience the feeling for some time and allow it to linger. Imagine the feelings you experience in and around your heart. If it is still challenging, take deep breaths. Hold the positive feeling and enjoy it.
Now, click on the mental pause button and revisit the compelling idea that was causing stressful feelings. How does it feel right now?
Now write down how you are feeling and what comes to mind. Act on the fresh insight if it is suitable.
This process doesnβt take much time (again, you are craving instant gratification) and makes it easier for you to resist giving in to temptation. The real trick is to change the physical feeling with the heart to bring about a shift in thoughts and eventually, actions. You donβt suffocate or undermine your emotions.
Rather, you acknowledge them and then gently change them. When your emotions are slowly changing, the brain tows its line which makes us think in a way that lets us act according to our values and not on impulse or uncontrollable emotions.
Self-mastery is the master key
According to Walter Mischel, βGoal-directed and self-imposed gratification delay is fundamental to the process of emotional self-regulation.β Emotional management, or regulation and the ability to control oneβs impulses, are vital to the concept of emotional intelligence.
Mischelβs research established that while some people are born with a greater control for impulses, or better emotional management, others are not. A majority of people are somewhere in between. However, the good news is that emotional management, unlike intelligence, can be learned through practice. EQ isn’t as genetically determined as cognitive abilities.
Impulse control and delayed gratification
Have you ever said something in anger and then regretted it immediately? Have you ever acted on an impulse or in haste only to regret it soon after the act? I can’t even count the number of people who have lost their jobs, ruined their relationships, nixed their business negotiations, and blown away friendships because of that one moment when they acted on impulse. When you donβt allow thoughts to take over and control your words or actions, you demonstrate low emotional intelligence.
Thus, the concept of emotional intelligence is closely connected with delaying gratification. Weβve all acted at some point or another without worrying about the consequences of our actions. Impulse control, or the ability to construct our thoughts and actions prior to speaking or acting, is a huge part of emotional control. You can manage your emotions more efficiently when you learn to override impulses, which is why impulse control is a huge part of emotional intelligence.
Ever wondered about the reason behind counting to ten, 100, or 1000 before reacting each time you are angry? Weβve all had our parents and educators counsel us about how anger can be restrained by counting up to ten or 100. It is simple, while you are in the process of counting; your emotional level is slowly decreasing. Once you are done with counting, the overpowering impulse to react to the emotion has passed. This allows you act in a more rational and thoughtful manner.
Emotional intelligence is about identifying these impulsive reactions and regulating them in a more positive and constructive manner. Rather than reacting mindlessly to a situation, you need to stop and think before responding. You choose to respond carefully instead of reacting impulsively to accomplish a more positive outcome or thwart a potentially uncomfortable situation.
