Top Tips ON How to deal with difficult people:
1. Do something
Sometimes inaction can paralyse us as we feel impotent to act. But doing something, however small, can give us the confidence that we have some control, choice and engagement in the situation to give us momentum to move forward.
2. Talk it through
We might feel on our own with the problem, so it can help to talk it through with someone, but it needs to be the right person. Complaining to a colleague might start factions or collusions. A family member might be more detached from a workplace situation, but they might not appreciate the complexities or feel unable to do anything in their unconnected position. Your boss could be the one to speak to, unless they are the problem.
3. Different perspectives
It can help to appreciate that you and the person may have different perspectives and this might be the cause of the situation. Assess the differences and similarities to determine potential reasons behind the difficulties. Is there something going on in the other person’s life (home or work) which could explain some of the difficult behaviours towards you? It’s not to necessarily excuse them, but you might find if they’re dealing with a bereavement, then their behaviour to you is linked, complicated or triggered by this ‘one off’ event.
4. Respect
You may have a totally legitimate reason for your difficulty with the person but you need to maintain respect and professionalism so this doesn’t escalate unnecessarily. Treat the other person as you would want to be treated yourself. It might be difficult but it will usually pay off.
5. Face the threat
In most cases, the preferable first step is to arrange a private meeting with the person you are having problems with. If you keep it too informal, the issue may not be taken seriously enough. Set out enough time and choose a location where you won’t get interruptions. Choose whether you want to take a colleague into the meeting with you, and offer the same to the other. Do you keep the purpose of the meeting sufficiently ambiguous to allay any fears or threats, or might it help to give some clarity of purpose?
6. Own your issues
It can help to introduce your issue by saying how you are feeling or what impact you have had to cope with. This is not pointing the finger at anyone, but simply owning your own response. This then opens up the next stage of the discussion where you can suggest that you believe their behaviour is responsible for your stress, anxiety or whatever you are feeling.
7. What do you want?
Go into any meeting with a grasp of what you want out of it. Is it about getting an apology, or a shared understanding, a clarity about behaviours and consequences or some required change?
8. Change the environment
Keeping a potential confrontational situation to the work environment maintains the formality and work-focus of any meeting. In some cases however, it can help to get out of the workplace … maybe to meet up over lunch outside work or go for a walk together. It can change the formality, soften the focus and introduce a more human exchange.
9. Accept emotions
A face-to-face meeting is always likely to expose a range of emotions for you and the other person. Accepting that this is possible helps to manage the emotionality as it emerges; there may be anger, or tears or frustrations and much more.
10. Official responsibilities
Whilst your boss has a managing responsibility for you, they may be the cause. In which case Occupational Health or Human Resources usually have a confidential protocol for dealing with such situations. You may want to ‘log it’ or you may choose to take more formal action.
11. Red line
What’s your red line on what’s acceptable? Does your organisation have a policy which helps define this red line, perhaps a Bullying and Harassment Policy?
12. Mediation
Most organisations can provide mediation, which offers an independent specialist to mediate between you both. They tend to work to a shared understanding and a mutual agreement to a resolution but it is not legally or contractually binding, unless the process makes it so. Mediation can usually be arranged through Human Resources departments.
13. Grin and bear it?
In some cases, you might find that it is best for you to put on your metaphorical tin hat and let time run its course. Maybe the other person will leave? Maybe the situation will resolve itself? Maybe something will happen which will change the situation? This is not to say you should suffer in silence, but a natural resolution sometimes does emerge. But this can be a tough choice.
14. Grievance
If all else fails, you have tried the formal and more formal routes and you haven’t got anywhere, you may have the option to raise a formal grievance. You can always withdraw this later, but the formal grievance is a clear escalation process that can make or break a situation. Your organisation should have a policy on what to do to go down this route but do keep your evidence factual. A diary of the events and timeline can help give clarity to what has been happening, including the names of any witnesses.
15. Get support
Whatever course of action you take, or choose not to take, you may be under considerable pressure and stress. Seek out the support available to you from your organisation, family, friends or externally. Difficult work relationships can have a huge effect on your health and wellbeing so it’s important that you find the support you need. See if your organisation has an Employee Assistance Programme (EAP); they can often give an external but confidential and knowledgeable perspective.